The details of my life are quite inconsequential.... Very well, where do I begin?

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year-old French prostitute, named Chloe, with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He made outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical...summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds...pretty standard really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It’s breathtaking...I suggest you try it.

Need to contact me? Drop me a line at austinpowers@jps.net